On confidence

Stephanie has invited me to do a piece about confidence. Am I confident enough I wonder? Go on then!

Confidence, I have recently learned, comes from one’s self esteem and feeling of self-worth. This is developed in (about) the 4^th year of life when we experience how significant we are to our parents, or care givers. To be dear to someone, to have closeness and connection. Eventually, through adolescence and then when we become adults, we learn that we can create this very connection with ourselves, and become self-aware, to believe in ourselves, to support ourselves, stand on our own two feet.

Of course, we all know the notion of “having one’s confidence knocked”. That is when we momentarily doubt our self-worth. Mostly because of a situation or circumstance where we, erroneously, compare ourselves to others. We forget our own significance within.

The good news is that confidence (self-esteem, self-worth) can be learned and can be expanded...

Ok, let’s talk about belief.

Do you believe in yourself?

Its not a question we get asked very often, or even ask ourselves.

We have all seen this quote: “If you believe you can, you can”. But do you?

Self-belief comes up in my 1-1 coaching quite a bit. Whether we are working on reducing the drugs or alcohol, getting the dream job, or just living a life on your terms. Do you believe you can? Is it possible for you?

Do you believe that anything is possible? When I ask this, I usually get back, “Well yes for other people I can see that, but not for me.”

Here is the thing, we are all human beings. If you can find one person that has done what you want to do, with a similar background then, if they can, you can.

That doesn’t mean it will come easy, sometimes we have to apply ourselves, learn, persist, review, ask for help, find a good teacher, do the work etc.

But we can learn anything right? If we apply ourselves. You have learnt how to walk, how to...

We are what a fellow scientist recently called, a ‘hairy bag of salty water’: 60% of the human body is water and fluid losses need to be replaced to support vital body functions, help our skin and overall wellbeing. Even slight dehydration of 2% can lead to reduced brain power and headaches.

 Why should you drink more?

 Your sense of thirst is unreliable. Once you feel thirsty, you are already dehydrated. You may have a glass of water beside your bed and drink occasionally during the night, but you will still be dehydrated in the morning. Tea and coffee count towards your fluid intake but don’t overdo it. 2-3cups per day are enough. 

We lose water during the day – excretion, digestion and sweating will result in water loss but even through breathing you lose fluids which need to be replaced to create a water balance in the body. 

Once you are dehydrated, several body functions will suffer and organs perform less efficiently: your blood...

Anxiety is something that comes up quite a bit in my line of work. Not for me personally. Well, obviously I experience some anxiety from time to time, because I am a human being. But it’s not debilitating or an issue for me.

It comes up in my groups and 1-1 coaching.

If anxiety is an issue, where alcohol and drugs are concerned; the first thing to do is to deal with the substance. Most drugs are going to make this worse and alcohol is no different.  A side effect of drinking alcohol is anxiety. We can also experience anxiety after drinking and if we withdraw from alcohol.

For the majority of people when they take a break from alcohol the anxiety will significantly reduce.  For some it will still be there.  But there are things you can to do to help. Don’t give up, try things and get yourself a tool box of stuff that works. Things that either give you a break from the anxiety or help you manage it.  Anxiety takes up a lot of energy and can be really...

When I want to know something, or need help, I google it and I ask my female friends.

When you get a group of women together there is a lot of wisdom there.  I am not being sexist, I am sure it’s the same if you had a group of men. 

I run a super supportive online community for women who want to change their relationship to alcohol.  So, I and the ladies have access to 2500 ladies with a wealth of knowledge and experience with life. 

Women from all walks of life, all over the world, different backgrounds and different struggles.

But we all come together to support each other to make healthier choices.  Because when we feel good everything else is easier and everyone else wins.  Our kids, our partners, our families, work colleague’s, friends and animals. It’s a win, win.

I recently asked them what their top tip for living was?

This is what they said:

• Each morning I wake up and say today is going to be a great day, because I chose not...

Hear me out.

I am sure you are thinking she isn’t even in a long-term relationship so how does she know. Well, my Mum and Dad were together for 50 years, until Dad died. Then I have a good number of female friends. Very close female friends actually; that have done it and are still doing it. As we all know, if you are in a long term committed relationship it’s a work in progress.  And I have noticed some correlations between living alcohol free and maintaining a relationship. 

When you are in a long-term relationship with someone, you don’t give up on them. Well you might feel like it, you might have down time. But you love them, so you understand, life isn’t always simple and straight forward and people definitely aren’t.  You practice patience, commitment and understanding.

You take the rough with the smooth. You know it isn’t always going to be moonlight, roses and hot sex (well it might be for some, of which I am very happy for...

I keep seeing these rules for living everywhere. I spend so much time teaching people how to live their lives once they have stopped drinking or using drugs that I thought I would compile my own list based on what I’ve seen working with 1000’s of people.

1.       Be nice: “It’s nice to be nice” is a favourite quote from one of my favourite people.  Its simple really. Be nice. It feels good for the person on the receiving end and yourself and it can make someone’s day.  It doesn’t cost anything to be nice.  Cover them with kindness, sprinkle that shit everywhere. 

2.       Don’t sweat the small stuff: Seriously if you can master this one your life will be so much easier and happier. About half of what you worry about, if not more, you really don’t need to.  Try this, if you were to die in 3 months what would you do? I bet 70% of what is on your to...

Life is for living, (yes it is and I know you love it when I state the obvious). Fun, enjoyment, pleasure.  Sometimes when we are busy working on ourselves, developing ourselves, we can get all serious, changing our lives.  Or maybe life is just tough and there is nothing you can do about it, even more reason to have something in your life that you are passionate about.

The idea about being alcohol free is that at some point you stop counting days, because you are so busy enjoying your life that you don’t think about it anymore.  Anyway who wants to keep thinking about alcohol I certainly don’t, far more important things to think about like, chocolate, music, dancing, beaches and sex.  Not necessarily in that order.

Sounds good doesn’t it.

One of the keys to this, is having something, or somethings in your life that fulfil you that you feel passionate about.  It can literally be anything, animals, a cause, politics, reading, personal...

When you stop drinking or take a break from booze, if you are not careful it can feel like you are depriving yourself.

This is not the point.

I know for some, there will be a period of time when you may need to just stay away from the action and get your head down.  That’s ok for a few weeks, well even a few months if it’s been a big issue.  In fact, if it’s a big issue. You know, a big health scare, serious depression, anxiety, affected relationship or criminal record. I would advise that you do stay away from alcohol altogether for as long as possible.

That’s doesn’t mean you can’t have treats though, reward yourself.

This is so important.

The “I have had a hard day with the kids, a hard day at work, I need a drink” feeling. I deserve it I have worked hard, this Is for me. You know the type of thinking.

You’ve taken the booze away so what are you going to do instead.

If you don’t put anything else in, trust me,...

Last week in my facebook groups we have been talking a lot about how to change how you feel.

Well, let’s face it; we will be talking about this regularly I think.

This isn’t the case for everyone, but bare with me.  You have had a bad day, an argument with your partner, a run in with your boss or your teenager is being a teenager.  Anyway, life happens, stuff happens, sometimes every day and it can provoke negative feelings in us.

If you have been a drinker or a drug user, then you could have got into the habit of pouring a glass of wine to take the edge off a bad moment or day to change how you feel.

It’s quick, it’s effective.  It doesn’t take much effort or planning.  You may not even realise you are doing it for that reason.

You open the bottle, pour a glass, take a sip and you feel better, or you forget.

But maybe you have reached the point where alcohol isn’t your friend anymore.  You have had enough....